Momma and Daddy Bunny were on their way, with their six little bunnies, to celebrate the youngest baby bunny’s birthday. Benny, Button, Bonnie, Barbara, Bert and Georgie, the Birthday Bunny, were very excited to go be on their way to Bunny Cheese’s.
You see, the Bunny family had not been able to go to Bunny Cheese’s for a very long time. Daddy Bunny had been out of work for a nearly a year. He used to work at a very lovely, very small nursery. Plants, you see, were his passion. The nursery’s owner was a rich man and the rich are sometimes more interested in keeping their money than doing right by their employees so when he had to make a choice between paying his employee and buying a new Mercedes he chose the Mercedes. Daddy Bunny could no longer afford to work at the nursery with that being the case but he had recently gotten a new job as a property manager.
The family had more reason to rejoice for Momma Bunny was pregnant again. She had had considerable trouble since the birth of her first litter, which consisted of Benny, Button, Bonnie, Barbara and Bert. Georgie, the youngest, was the only Bunny to survive from her second litter. The four she lost were buried in a quiet cemetery and occasionally she would slip off by herself and mourn her loss by their tiny graves. After the loss of those four little Bunny babies Momma and Daddy had tried to have more little Bunnies but Momma’s third and fourth pregnancy had both ended in miscarriage. It seemed that at last their luck had turned, as this new litter was due in just a few days time. The whole family was very excited for the new additions and very optimistic about what the future held for them.
So the Bunny family was very excited, very excited you see, to be on the way to Bunny Cheese’s. All of the little Bunnies had spent days deciding exactly what they were going to eat and when they arrived that’s exactly what they ordered. Once they ordered, the little bunnies all went in separate directions to play games. Benny decided to play pinball. Button drove racecars. Bonnie and Barbara watched the Bunny Cheese’s Musical Sing-along Show. Bert followed Bonnie and Barbara, not to watch the show but to tease his sisters and pull their ears. Bert was a mischievous bunny. Georgie decided he would like to race Daddy around the track on go-carts. Daddy, of course, let him win but Georgie had no idea and was so proud of himself when he ran back to the table to tell Momma.
The meal soon arrived and the whole Bunny family gathered around to pray over the meal they were about to eat. They were thankful for the carrot sticks, and the rabbit pellets. They were thankful for the resources to be able to enjoy such a lovely meal and most of all, they were thankful for each other.
After dinner Georgie was allowed to open his presents and the little bunnies were allowed to play a few more games before piling back into the van. They had one more stop to make before going home. No Bunny family birthday celebration was complete without ice cream.
On the other side of town Trent Rabbit was finishing his drink at Bunny Bar. He had been drowning his sorrows there all afternoon and evening. Trent, you see, had had a particularly hard year.
The downturn in the economy had hit Trent’s company, Bath and Bunny Works, especially hard. The company was forced to downsize by 27%. Trent had saved his job but did take a significant cut in pay and things had only gotten harder as the year went by.
In April Trent came home for lunch only to find his wife in bed with another rabbit. He asked her for a divorce soon after but his children did not understand and were very angry with him. They decided they would rather live with their mother and Trent was left all alone in the big house they had once called home. He turned to booze for solace in those lonely and stressful times. Bunny Bar was his new home away from home.
Momma and Daddy Bunny had just finished their ice cream and were gathering their young for the short drive home. This was no simple task as all the little bunnies were excited and now full of ice cream. Benny, Button, Bonnie, Barbara, Bert and Georgie, the Birthday Bunny, all had sugar highs and wanted to stay and play “just a little while longer” but Daddy had to be at work early the next morning Momma was tired. The little bunnies climbed begrudgingly into the van and pulled their safety belts across their little bodies, with the exception of Georgie who couldn’t quite buckle his safety belt. When Momma found out she was very cross and she unbuckled her own safety belt so that she could turn around and help Georgie. Daddy had already begun driving and was very cross as well but he thought, “We’re very close to home. We’ll be fine.” He was wrong.
It was in the moments when both Momma and Georgie did not have safety belts on that Trent Rabbit crossed a double yellow line and hit the Bunny family head on. Momma and Georgie were thrown from the van. Their bodies were found in the morning, nearly 30 feet away from the scene. The rest of the family had gone, with their van, into a nearby lake and because they could not escape the confines of their safety belts and help was not forthcoming they drowned. Only Trent survived. He lived the rest of his lonely, miserable days in Rabbit State Penitentiary consumed by guilt.
And that’s why you always see dead rabbits on the side of the road.
Barack Obama loves to touch…
Mitt Romney wears funny underwears.
Dick Cheney will never die because…
John Edwards is totally scandalous and no longer sexy.]]>
So I retired to the guest bathroom to do some blow. Whilst in said restroom readying my drug paraphenilia my mother came to the door. She said, “Honey, are you dropping a deuce in there? Don’t forget to use the matches.”
“No, Ma! Leave me alone.” I replied.
Mom came back about 5 minutes later and again reminded me to use the matches. But this time she scared me so bad I dropped all my blow into the toilet bowl. Normally, I wouldn’t let that kind of thing stop me, but as I was at my mother’s house I realized there was plenty to steal and she would never turn me in…being my mother and all.
I stole the TV and her wedding ring and enjoyed the best high of my life from the cocaine I bought with the proceeds.
I love my co-dependent mother. And she loves me.]]>
My wife and I had been married for 4 years when I prayed and recieved a word from the Lord that I ought to take on a second wife. I was greatly troubled by this revelation and prayed over it for many nights.
How could I keep two wives happy? I have enough trouble trying to keep one wife happy.
One night as I was praying and pondering this very issue I realized, I’m a creepy guy with control issues. I thought I would die a virgin. Now all I have to do to sleep with all the hot (hot by polygamist standards) chicks I want is convince them that we are spiritually married and this is God’s will for us.
Who cares if the women are happy?]]>
Name all of Santa’s reindeer.
Name all six of Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt’s kids–in order.]]>
Prescription: I need community; more people. (hopefully fatter than me)]]>
#1. Kung Foo Panda–see it! Totally legendary awesome! See it.
#2. The Happening–more like The Crappening. Don’t see it…unless you really want to see an aweful movie with plot holes you could literally drive a literal truck through. Wait till they show it on tv. They’ll show it right after Tremors.
#3. The Strangers–scary. See it if you like to be scared. And when I say scared I mean poopies in your pants. Scared the shizzle dizzle right out of me. See it.
#4. The Incredible Hulk–see it. Just pretend the other Incredible Hulk movie that came out a few years back and totally sucked never happened.
Now you know.]]>