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My Loverly Weekend

Tasha Tells All

I don

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My Loverly Weekend

February 7th, 2006 · No Comments

Notes before we begin:

*Names have not been mentioned to protect the innocent and the undeniably guilty.

Italics = Innermost Thoughts 

My weekend. With the boy coming to meet the family I expected it to me a disaster.  Not just any disaster either.  The kind of disaster that you see in slow motion and still can’t prevent.  The kind you don’t want to watch but you can’t stop yourself from watching it happen anyway…like a train wreck or a nuclear bomb. Apologies. I realize that nuclear bombs, like suicide or male pattern baldness, are nothing to joke about.  As it turned out, my weekend wasn’t the disaster I though it would be. It was more like having your fingers cut off one at a time only I couldn’t sew the fingers back on fast enough. Once again, dismemberment, not funny. 

            I’ll start with Friday.  He was flying in from Kansas so I had to pick him up at LAX.  His flight came in at 10pm so I had all day to get pretty and whatnot.  So far everything was working in my favor.  I picked him up without any major incidents to speak of and we were on our way. No major incidents if you don’t count the airport police yelling at me, “MOVE, MOVE MOVE!!!”  The problem was that we were on our way to my house…where my family lives.  For effect, hum Darth Vader’s theme song. 

            Saturday, I awoke with a start because my young beau texted me to get my rear out of bed. What a surprise to find my whole family already up.  It was 8am on a Saturday.  Have these people no sense of decency?!  It was at this point, with neither of us having brushed our teeth and both of us still suffering from a severe case of morning grogginess, that my mother decided to introduce herself.  Ah, first impressions. My sister met him at that time as well.  After pronouncing him “too tall” for me she lost interest and retired to her room to do whatever it is that she does.  Finally the worst of it was over.  He met my immediate family.  Wait a minute.  Where’s dad?  Devil!!! He was already at work which meant more introductions later.  Why me? 

Highlights from Saturday:

Brunch with Grandma and Grandpa. It was good.  I didn’t spill anything. That was even better.  So far everyone likes the boy except for dad who, of course, hasn’t met him yet.  More Darth Vader music please. 

            We watched Dr. 90210. The boy on Dr. Rey, “He didn’t even go to Harvard.” To be fair this would be a lot funnier if you’d been there.

            The Generic McPlainville* visit.  *Like I’d mention the store’s actual name.  He needed to go shopping.  Stupidly, I said I would take him.  In my own defense I thought he would say, “I am a blank canvas, dress me.” That would have been so much more fun but that is not what happened.  I took him to the outlet mall and we looked around for a while until he saw, wait for it, Generic McPlainville.  Hallelujah Chorus.  Yay for him.  His favorite store is Generic McPlainville.  And it hurt me to the very core of my being.  The male of the species really needs better stuff to wear.  Anyway, we went in and after picking out the same sweater in every color and asking me to be the designated sweater holder, he asked me to pick out ties.  I don’t know what made him think that I’d be up to that task but I did it.  Let me just say that I was not happy with the selection.  There were some truly hideous ties.  I knew in those moments that if I had been born a man I would be a drag queen.  Come on, seriously, you can pee standing up and you get to wear pretty little outfits with sequins and fabulous shoes.

            Having survived that brief trip to the third level of men’s wear boring I decided it was time to eat. And it was time to eat sushi.  That’s right, raw fish.  We invited my father who was due to get off work at any moment and went off in the direction of a sushi place.

            By that time I was ravenous with hunger so I decided to talk as little as possible lest I bite his head off and get to the creamy center.  Like candy, get it?  With great effort on my part we were able to avoid and unpleasantness.  Good for me.  I deserve a gold star.            Dinner with dad turned out surprisingly well.  They had a lot in common.  Well, they had making fun of Brokeback Mountain in common.  Homophobes.

            Nothing much happened after dinner on Saturday so that’s where it ends.

            Sunday I was up at the crack of early so I could get ready for church, as I work there and part of my job entails being there at 7. 7ish. Work went super well.  The only problem I had was that mom couldn’t come on time even when she was bringing my boy.  Why? No one knows.  It’s like a disease.  Perpetually Late Syndrome.  PLS for short.

            To be honest, Sunday was uneventful.  It was Super Bowl Sunday so after church we went to lunch, gave the waitress a hard time and watched the big game.

            Sunday evening, I dropped his posterior back off at LAX and a he headed back to Kansas I headed back to school.  Part of me was glad to see him go, mostly because, I’m pretty sure that my mom likes him better than me.  She assures me she doesn’t but I see the way she looks at him. (That was a joke for you humorless people. It was funny. LAUGH!!!)

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