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I Loaned Myself $5,000,000.00

Tasha Tells All

I don

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I Loaned Myself $5,000,000.00

February 8th, 2008 · 65 Comments

  Today I learned that Hillary Clinton loaned her campaign $5 million. I realized that I could use $5 million so I decided to take a page from H.C.s book and loan the money to myself.

  The first thing I did was negotiate the terms of the loan with myself.  It wasn’t easy, I’m one tough negotiator…it didn’t even matter that I know me.  The bank of Tasha does not cut any breaks for any reason or for anyone. Not even for Tasha.

  When I finally worked everything out with myself I wrote a check to me in the amount of $5 million.  Naturally, before accepting a loan of that magnitude I stopped and thought whether this is something I really ought to be doing. Having thought of no reason not to accept the loan, however, I quickly grabbed the check from myself and made haste to the bank. (I wanted to cash the check before I had the opportunity to change my mind about giving myself a loan.)  When I arrived at the bank I filled out my deposit slip, endorsed my check, and commenced standing in line for what seemed like a fortnight.

  I finally reached the front of the line. By that time I was hungry, thirsty, and I really had to go number one (onesie). Let me tell you, doing the pee-pee dance whilst waiting in line for a bank teller is so not dignified. Even holding a check in the amount of $5,000,000.00 cannot lend dignity to that.

  The teller did call me eventually. Although, I can’t prove this but, he did wait an awful long time to call me. He may have been enjoying my misery and to that I say, “Shame on you Josh the bank teller. Shame. On. You.”

  Anyway, Josh the teller did eventually call me forward and I very happily went knowing I was about to make myself rich…and indebted…but I was focusing on the positive. This is when Josh repressed what I thought was my irrepressible smile. My check bounced and Josh the jerk totally charged me a $25 fee.  I have never been so mad in my entire life. How can they charge me $25 for a bounced check? How was I supposed to know it would bounce? Just another instance of the man trying to bring me down. Fatty had to drag me out of the place. That enraged me even further so I left Fatty in the parking lot. That’s what she gets for dragging me out of the bank before I was good and ready to leave. (This sounds a lot worse than it is. The bank is around the corner from where I live so it wasn’t that far.  She made it home okay.)

  When I got home, I immediately went to find myself. I was going to give myself a piece of my mind.  I found myself exactly where I knew I would.  I walked into my room and there I was, checking myself out in the mirror. 

  “Tasha,” I railed, “my check bounced and I am paying that $25 fee.” 

  “What!” I objected. “I am not paying that fee. That’s ridiculous.”

  “I am too!”

  “I am not!”

  It went on like that for a while.

  I finally agreed that I would pay the fee but I had to give me Fatty. Once again I am at peace with myself with the added benefit of having learned an important lesson.  Just because Hillary Clinton does something does not mean it is a good idea.

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