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Meghan Ruined My Life

Tasha Tells All

I don

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Meghan Ruined My Life

February 13th, 2008 · 56 Comments

My roommate Meghan is a sociology/psychology major.  I might have known she would be my undoing.  Soc/Psych majors are never up to any good.         

This semester she’s taking a class called Human Sexuality.  And, yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like.  Naturally curious, because my parents and I never had “the talk” (because we have manners and don’t speak of such things), I thumbed through her textbook one afternoon.  The graphic nature of that textbook was shocking. Clearly, it was written by filthy people with filthy minds for filthy purposes. Filthy.           

When Meghan finally came home that night I demanded that the offending smut be removed from our room immediately or I would call the proper authorities to have it disposed of. I also made it known that I was going to tell my mom on her.  She told me she would not be ridding our room of the book as she needed it for her class.  Furthermore, she informed me, no “proper authorities” would see fit to dispose of the book as it is a textbook and “not at all pornographic.”                 

“Whatever, Meghan. Whatever.  That book is filled with deplorable, lewd information and it’s filled with illustrations, Meghan. Filled. With. Illustrations!” I was screaming at her by then. Trying to diffuse the situation Meghan said, “Tasha, there is nothing wrong with the acts that are depicted in that book as long as they take place within the confines of marriage. You’re parents did that stuff. That’s how you got here, geek.”           

With that I lost it.  She pushed me too far. “I am shocked and appalled that you would accuse my parents of anything so vulgar.” although, admittedly, I was less shocked and more appalled.“My parents would never have s-e-x on each other.” I assured her.  “My parents are far more civilized than that.” Meghan begged to differ so we decided to settle our disagreement the rational and mature way.  My beloved, life ruining roommate would ask Professor Vince Gill (the sexologist not the singer) whether or not my parents would have had to have…to “do it” in order for my existence to be possible.  This solution was far more attractive than my original suggestion which was to have a duel at sunrise.  In hindsight it was probably a bad suggestion as I am not a good shot or an early riser. 

…the next day…          

I eagerly anticipated the end of classes.  I wanted to end this argument once and for all. Of course my parents had never had, you know, relations.  In my heart of hearts I knew that Meghan would come in after her classes, dejected, and tell me that I was, of course, correct.  Sadly, I was disappointed.  She came back to our room after a hard day of book learnin’ and general sittin’ around time and told me that Vince Gill (the sexologist not the singer) had sided with her. My parents had done “the nasty” at least once, twice if you count my sister. My mom is not a virgin.         

As this devastating realization set in Meghan uttered this immortal phrase: “Congratulations. Now you’re scarred for life.”

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