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When was the last time you hugged a prostitute?

Tasha Tells All

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When was the last time you hugged a prostitute?

April 20th, 2008 · 70 Comments

Last Wednesday was Intergalactic Hug a Prostitute Day. I decided, as a citizen of earth, that I could, at least for one day this light-year, unite with “people” galaxy wide in this effort.

Wednesday morning, I woke bright and early knowing I would need to hug at least one prostitute that day…so I packed my hand sanitizer and a rain slicker. (think of the rain slicker as a condom for your whole body) All I could think as I prepared for the day was, “Where am I supposed to find a prostitute and will she let me hug her for free?”

After classes I went in search of the prostitute I would hug. It wasn’t hard to find them as apparently Wednesday is when they all gather for their union meeting. Let me just say the United Prostitutes’ Alliance Union (UPAU) is a powerful organization so don’t go making fun. You offend the UPAU and you’re likely to never be able to pick up a working girl without getting caught ever again. That’s what happened to Elliot Spitzer.

The ladies, and some gentlemen, and some gentlemen dressed as ladies, all knew I was not one of them the moment I walked in the door because I was not wearing the UPAU uniform which consists of too-tight pleather shorts and a mesh shirt. If you’ve ever walked in to a room and realized you were extremely overdressed for the occasion you know how awkward I felt. I had to ignore my embarrassment however and get to the huggin’.

The working “girl” nearest me seemed as good a candidate as any so I walked over and asked “her” if she would mind terribly if I hugged “her”. “She” told me “her” name is La Cienega, which was convenient because that’s also where “she” works, and that under any other circumstances “she” would be happy to but this was highly irregular as I had interrupted a union meeting. They were about to vote on which candidate to endorse for President. La Cienega said “she” would ask union leadership what to do in such a situation and “she” would be right back.

When La Cienega returned I had donned my rain slicker and was in the middle of sanitizing my hands. (Its polite to do it before and after) The union leadership had told “her” that it would be alright to hug me. Naturally, I went in for the hug but I was immediately rebuffed. La Cienega said we still had to work out the issue of payment. Union by-laws strictly prohibit physical contact before payment has been made.

I was forced to haggle with a prostitute over how much a hug is worth.  We settled on $7.  This is when I realized that I did not have any cash with me.  I only had my check card because that is all I ever have with me.  Luckily, the UPAU had recently upgraded the prostitutes equipment to include a portable credit card machine so La Cienega was able to slide my card.

With payment made I once again prepared myself for the much anticipated hug.  Perhaps I anticipated the hug a bit too much because when it was over I was not satisfied.  I felt slightly empty and $7 poorer.  At least I was able to leave knowing I had defied all odds and fulfilled my intergalactic obligation  to hug a prostitute.  That made me feel slightly better, although I still feel empty.

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