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Tasha Tells All — I don

Tasha Tells All

I don

Tasha Tells All header image 1

School’s Out for Summer

May 11th, 2008 · 51 Comments

School’s out for summer! School’s out forever! School’s been blown to pieces.No more pencils. No more books. No more teachers’ dirty looks!

Alice Cooper really captures my feelings on the subject.

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Ripped from the Headlines

May 7th, 2008 · 51 Comments

 “…Dirt Cheap” the headline of the Fresno Bee proudly stated, Saturday, May 03, 2008.  Upon seeing the headline I thought, “Hmmmmm, is dirt really cheap?  I mean sure, its everywhere up here in the greater Fresno area—literal buckets of it are covering my car—but that doesn’t not mean it’s cheap.  I think it’s high time I explore this issue further.”  Seriously, that’s exactly what I thought.

 Surprise! Local dirt really is cheap.  If you play your cards right, it’s free.  But that’s just local dirt.  If you want to import finer dirt it will cost you slightly.

 Here are a few of the finer dirt options for those of you who are interested.

 Local Dirt

Local dirt is okay but you’ve been around it your whole life and you really want a change.

 South American Dirt

It’s slightly harder to get across the border but it’s really grateful once its here.

 Canadian Dirt

Canadian dirt is just like American dirt but it says “Ay” after every sentence and enjoyed free health care in Canada.  It will not let you forget that.

 French Dirt

French dirt is very snooty and doesn’t really do much.

 German Dirt

Make sure you have a fence around your yard. German dirt will spread into your neighbors’ yards, killing all the plants and replacing them with concrete statues.

 Asian Dirt

Asian dirt will work really hard and make everything cheaper, faster, and better than any other kind of dirt.  Be careful though, Chinese dirt does tend to have high levels of lead in it.

 Australian Dirt

Australian dirt hates being compared to Texan dirt.

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Last Night..

May 1st, 2008 · 69 Comments

Last night I was in my quad, you know, procrastinating.  So it was about 2 in the AM and someone, who shall remain nameless, bursts in and loudly exclaims, “I was feeling my breast and this one (left) feels different than this one (right). Is Meghan still up?”

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An Open Plea to George W. Bush

April 28th, 2008 · 41 Comments

Dearest, Loveliest, President George W. Bush,

I could really use that $600 from the economic stimulus package.  I promise that if you send it to me I will personally stimulate the economy with it.

Love,

Tasha

PS Keep up the good work.

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Oprah’s Culty Goodness

April 21st, 2008 · 54 Comments

I recently learned from carringtonsteele.com that housewives across America are cult members. The cult is led by none other than Oprah Winfrey.

So I have written an open letter to your friend and mine, Oprah.

Dear Oprah,

I recently found out that you are leading a pretty large cult. Sadly, I had to find this out on the internets. On the internets, Oprah!

All I’m saying is this: if you were running an effective cult I would have found out from you not from the internets. Maybe you should cult it up a bit so its a bit more obvious. I have a few suggestions.

1. Serve Kool-aid at every meeting

2. Sacrifice a goat.

3. Start talking about the apocalypse.

4. Pronounce “Oprah’s Book Club” a sacrament.

5. Start wearing a priests collar.

6. Declare that followers of Oprah should visit Harpo Studios at least once in their lifetime.

7. Write a book.  Tell everyone it’s your “revelation” about how life should be lived.

8. Tell “true believers” they should go to Africa to work at the leadership academy as service to Oprah.

That’s all I have so far.  So, maybe you could think about these suggestions and get back to me.

Thanks for the great day-time programming, Oprah.

All the best,

Tasha

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When was the last time you hugged a prostitute?

April 20th, 2008 · 70 Comments

Last Wednesday was Intergalactic Hug a Prostitute Day. I decided, as a citizen of earth, that I could, at least for one day this light-year, unite with “people” galaxy wide in this effort.

Wednesday morning, I woke bright and early knowing I would need to hug at least one prostitute that day…so I packed my hand sanitizer and a rain slicker. (think of the rain slicker as a condom for your whole body) All I could think as I prepared for the day was, “Where am I supposed to find a prostitute and will she let me hug her for free?”

After classes I went in search of the prostitute I would hug. It wasn’t hard to find them as apparently Wednesday is when they all gather for their union meeting. Let me just say the United Prostitutes’ Alliance Union (UPAU) is a powerful organization so don’t go making fun. You offend the UPAU and you’re likely to never be able to pick up a working girl without getting caught ever again. That’s what happened to Elliot Spitzer.

The ladies, and some gentlemen, and some gentlemen dressed as ladies, all knew I was not one of them the moment I walked in the door because I was not wearing the UPAU uniform which consists of too-tight pleather shorts and a mesh shirt. If you’ve ever walked in to a room and realized you were extremely overdressed for the occasion you know how awkward I felt. I had to ignore my embarrassment however and get to the huggin’.

The working “girl” nearest me seemed as good a candidate as any so I walked over and asked “her” if she would mind terribly if I hugged “her”. “She” told me “her” name is La Cienega, which was convenient because that’s also where “she” works, and that under any other circumstances “she” would be happy to but this was highly irregular as I had interrupted a union meeting. They were about to vote on which candidate to endorse for President. La Cienega said “she” would ask union leadership what to do in such a situation and “she” would be right back.

When La Cienega returned I had donned my rain slicker and was in the middle of sanitizing my hands. (Its polite to do it before and after) The union leadership had told “her” that it would be alright to hug me. Naturally, I went in for the hug but I was immediately rebuffed. La Cienega said we still had to work out the issue of payment. Union by-laws strictly prohibit physical contact before payment has been made.

I was forced to haggle with a prostitute over how much a hug is worth.  We settled on $7.  This is when I realized that I did not have any cash with me.  I only had my check card because that is all I ever have with me.  Luckily, the UPAU had recently upgraded the prostitutes equipment to include a portable credit card machine so La Cienega was able to slide my card.

With payment made I once again prepared myself for the much anticipated hug.  Perhaps I anticipated the hug a bit too much because when it was over I was not satisfied.  I felt slightly empty and $7 poorer.  At least I was able to leave knowing I had defied all odds and fulfilled my intergalactic obligation  to hug a prostitute.  That made me feel slightly better, although I still feel empty.

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Douchebag of the Month: April, 2008

April 18th, 2008 · 36 Comments

Hey everyone,

I know it’s early to announce the honors for this month but someone was sufficiently douchebaggy to have earned an early announcement.

 The Douchebag of the Month is….

the financial aid department with special mention of Ryan Dowell, my financial aid counselor.

Here’s why: Every time I walked through the door I was greeted with a look of disdain.  The entire department made it clear that they do not care what happens, except for Iman who was nice.  Ryan in particular, never communicated effectively with me, took forever with everything, and was impossible to get ahold of.  Hey financial aid, you exist to help students…like me.

 I would also like to take this opportunity to recognize the Least Douchebaggy People of the Month.  They were so helpful to me when I desperately needed it.  Despite their reputation, the Business Services Department is amazing.  They went above and beyond the call of duty this week. 

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Fill in the Blank

April 8th, 2008 · 61 Comments

Warren Jeffs is a ___________________.

Warren Jeffs can go __________________.

Feel free to fill in the blanks.

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My Mom Just Said the Filthiest Thing…

April 8th, 2008 · 68 Comments

I was texting my mother this morning. She asked me if I found the paperwork I need for financial aid.  I told her that, yes, I had found my paperwork and I was going to shove it up the rude kid’s be-hind. (The kid behind the counter at Financial Aid was rude to me yesterday, which I realize still doesn’t give me license to shove paperwork into his rectum. I’m vaguely ashamed of myself for having said I would do so.)

So, my mom replied, “Don’t forget the KY jelly.”

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Financial Aid

April 6th, 2008 · 49 Comments

The following is a list of things I would do to get the financial aid department to release my funds.

1. Wrestle a bear.

2. Cut off any body part and give it to Murray Dempster in a jar, on a platter, or as part of a necklace.

3.  Shave my head and wear tragic Britney Spears style wigs.

4. Have “VUSC Financial Aid Rocks!” tattooed across my back.

5. Say something nice about financial aid…as long as I don’t have to mean it.

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